How new vocabulary meets age-old expectations
By Manasvi James
Editors Note:
Welcome to 2024, where we’re more likely to diagnose our problems through TikTok than therapy. We toss around terms like ‘narcissism,’ ‘attachment theory,’ and now, ‘Elder Daughter Syndrome’ as if we all have degrees in psychology. But are we misusing these concepts, or are we simply trying to make sense of our lived experiences in a world that feels increasingly overwhelming? In a country like India, where family dynamics are deeply entrenched in tradition, how does this new wave of “therapy-speak” fit into the narrative?
A new trend on TikTok has made netizens come together, dig up an existing phenomenon and conduct an online self- diagnosis of the “Elder Daughter Syndrome”. Videos of the trend, especially the one by Kati Morton, garnered millions of views and shares. Morton talks about the issue at length by highlighting the unique set of responsibilities placed on a woman who is also an eldest child in the family. The primary ‘symptoms’ of this condition were declared to be extreme familial responsibilities, people pleasing behaviour, being an overachiever with extreme anxiety, unable to clearly draw boundaries and difficulty maintaining adult relationships to name a few. Memes and posts on Instagram created a light-hearted chatter with an X post speculating “are you happy or are you the oldest sibling and also a girl”. The question begs to be asked; in the larger context, is there a deeper problem concerning women in a domestic setting which manifests as casual comments on #ElderDaughterSyndrome?
The pattern of responsibilities going straight to women by default doesn’t seem to be going away even in 2024 and the young women online are finding a community to discover that they are not alone. Dedicated studies highlight how, post Covid, women have picked up more unpaid domestic work when compared to their male counterparts including chores around the house, caring for younger siblings and for ageing parents. In the Indian context, it’s not new to hear the older daughter being lauded for similarities with a motherly figure, fully equipped to handle the house on their own. Duties such as cooking for younger siblings, keeping the house tidy in the absence of an adult and overlooking the daily chores of the house is not only common, but also an expectation. It’s like getting promoted to ‘mom’ without ever asking for the job. The supposed duties get progressively more intense when combined with other issues such as a lack of access to resources which may be available to others. Role modelling is imposed from a younger age with qualities such as ‘compassionate’ and ‘caring’ being dumped on young girls after their mothers for the younger ones to follow. Instances of parents confiding in older daughters due to these assumed virtues and sharing personal distress much earlier than they should isn’t uncommon either. Congratulations, you’ve unlocked the ‘therapist to your parents’ achievement. And so goes the generational cycle of forcing patriarchal expectations with the added bonus of being the eldest.
Gender equality at work has been a long and continuing struggle but does the disparity in the distribution of household chores pleads more attention? The parentification of girls has caused women on social media to accuse their parents of ‘stealing’ their childhood. Studies do not deem it a psychological disorder due to zero to minimal qualifiers indicating that birth order influences the psyche of an individual. The behavioural similarities across various groups however, have caused a stir, if not on the academic plane, then definitely on social media platforms.
As the first generation to grow up with social media, GenZ gravitates to finding expression of their experiences on X posts rather than in everyday dialogue. When these posts start to reflect their own reality, a sense of shared catharsis encourages them to join a social media movement with vigour. A testament and example to this reaction to online movements includes the success of the Me Too movement, Black Lives Matter and the HeForShe campaign. The identification of the internet community with the idea makes one think if with the Elder daughter syndrome trend, women find a sense of shared trauma and belonging and the comfort of knowing that they are not alone.
The inescapable feeling of being saddled owing to their ‘mature older daughter’ status seems to bind women to responsibilities their brothers may not be expected to shoulder. An admiration of these ideals which become obsessively imposed, lead many women to feel guilty while protesting the unusually intense workload at home. “This admirable sentence should be accepted proudly”, seems to be the popular notion. You know, because the best way to earn respect is by silently suffering. A passive disavowal is pronounced by contributing to the dialogue by scrolling on the internet while taking a break from the daily chores. The ‘Elder daughter’ syndrome might as well be ‘women at home’ syndrome since men evidently seem to be absent from these conversations.
The idea has been on social media for quite some time now pointing to the perenniality of this shared experience. Such trends then become an acceptable and laidback embodiment of the discomfort women experience at home. It signals to the serious upgradation the obsolete ideas of maturity and womanhood desperately need. A more serious discourse than a tick tock trend is needed to recognise and remedy the patriarchal power dynamic which somehow still persists at home. The act of caregiving in this context, is as political as gender itself.
So, where does that leave us? Is ‘Elder Daughter Syndrome’ just another social media trend, or is it a gateway to deeper conversations about how we continue to pile gendered expectations onto women, disguised as ‘family values’? Until we have those conversations, the eldest daughters of the world will continue to bear the brunt of both chores and unearned praise, all while scrolling through memes that hit just a little too close to home.
Manasvi James is a Literature and Political Science student recently graduated from St. Stephen’s College. Her academic interests lie in gender narratives and intersectional identities. She often finds herself enjoying a good play or acting in one. Follow Manasvi James on Instagram: @manasvijames
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